i give up

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Sunday, June 30, 2002
ahhHH yess...the boring bug has stung me ever so badly. My summer is boring. All i have been doing is staying home and doing absolutely nothing. Don't get me wrong now. There is plenty of stuff to do out there, but unfortunately this dude is flat dead broke! broke i tells ya!!! I'm stuck at home doing chores, such as washing cars and mowing the lawn and cleaning the ceiling or removing dirt under ours plants or killing all the ants in that donut i ate this morning. Yes, i have a job at Pac-sun and lots of hot chic's that look ohhhh so scrumptious shop there, but dude i'm like broker than a joker on speed! One time, this girl walked into Pac-Sun and she was F'ing hot!!! I just wanted to take her to the dressing rooms and do some naughty things with her!!! hahaha. So yah, i tried spittin game, but damn her, she didnt go for me. Damn her!!! If she would have gotten with me, i could have gotten her into PG-13 movies! Ahhh well, its her loss. Minority Report is a great movie. Tom Cruise is a great actor! haha now i know why all you girls jock him!!!! HAHA j/k im not really gay. I swear i'm not gay!!! I swear it was only a one time thing, and i promise it will never happen again!!! But anyways, I saw this girl at the theatre, whom is the friend of this girl i think i still like. Yep.. I havent seen or talked to this girl i think i still like for the longest time, and actually, she is online right now!!! oHHH!!! She is like sooOoo online, and i'm just a click away from IMing her. I seriously want to IM her so badly, but dude i'm quite scared. Gosh i neEd to grow some balls!!! hahaha. i soOo want to IM her but i'm being such a pansy! damn me! actually i'm just scurred or something, becuase i know she wont respond most likely. You know what would kick ass? If she IMed me first, instead of me IMing her. oHhH wait!!! OH HOLY SHIT!!! she just IMed me!!! yay!!! wuhoooo!!! hahaha sike. she didnt IM me. haha gotcha sucka!!!...gosh i'm scared to IM her! now i know how suzy feels whenever she wants to IM jerry. LOL i just owned suzy.

darn! LOL! this volcom chic that i like just signed off!!! there goes another chance i passed up to talk to her. Darn it. I'm gonna look at this in a positive manner. hMmm...i can always think "she coulda talked to me and enjoyed it, just like all those other guys out there!" erRrr i mean girls....12 year old ones too!

Well, that is nuff fo now dudes and dude-ettes and other losers whom i dont know but are still stalking me...

pe@ce sucka's.

one last note...Today, i realized that my cousin Jerry is a really cool guy when it comes to certain situations. right on cuh.

I also realized that even though he knows how to handle certain situations correctly, he is still the biggest fag in the world.

Friday, June 28, 2002
My summer is friggen boring!!! today, i did absoutely nothing except probably get screwed over by even more girls. Damn these girls. I seriously hate girls, except the cool ones that i have as friends right now. I hate all these games girls play. Damn them!!! ahhh. This is friggen weird. Well here goes...for the past few days, me and jerry we're talking to these two girls. Turns out, they played this big game on us and switched personalities. It's kind of hard to explain, but all i can say is that the white-washed asian girl i kinda started to like is the girl that likes Jerry, and the hot whtie girl that Jerry was starting to like is the girl that likes me. It's confusing, but in the end, we both got screwed over. Actually, J_rocc is quite interested in this chic. Am i interested in this chic? Hmmmm...well, there's this girl i still like y'know. So there's your answer.

This summer is boring. I swear all my friends are either in summer school or have jobs. I need lazy friends that can be lazy with me. Damn this. Well yeah, girls are quite lame and play too many games. ohhh that just makes them much more tempting. UgGhhh!! I got too much girl problems. it sux. I'm not gonna go for any more chicks this entire summer! hahaha that'll be pretty hard. Actually it's kinda difficult to try to go for other girls when i'm not completely over this other girl. I dont think i'll ever truly get over her for a long time.

Well thats it for today

go check out d_wreck's blogger at "dwreckslife.blogspot.com". he writes about some cool subjects even. Also, he is tall and white and single and has size 14 feet, for all you ladies out there. LOL.

Ok, i swear this is the last serious journal entry i'll ever write. it's too damn hard for me to write seirously.

pe@ce suckers

PS: kim is cool!

Thursday, June 27, 2002

Where did i leave off? I believe i left off with the email. The email was pretty much about how she felt about me and how she didnt want something else at the moment. She said she needed her time and space, and i totally understood that part, but she didnt have to say that she didnt like me, because it was obvious she did.

I remember i used to visit her at work everyday, especially on the weekends if i had nothing to do those nights. Actually, i gave up my weekends just to visit her at work since she worked every saturday and sunday. Yes, the drive to her work is far (about 20 minutes) and i would only be able to see or talk to her for like 5 minutes, but it was alright because it was totally worth the trip. Well, the day i read the email, i didnt visit her. I later found out that she was kind of shocked and saddened that i didnt visit her that day, and that she was expecting me to visit. For the next few days, we still talked and we still saw each other at school, and i actually thought that we could be just friends. I really did not mind being just friends and i was totally ready to accept it. After all, since the time i've known her, all we were was friends and only friends, but mainly 'cause she had a jackass boyfriend that can totally kick my ass. So yah, in the email, she had told me how she had always wanted a guy best friend..y'know, someone she could talk to about her problems or someone she could run to, or someone she could just hang out with and have fun. I thought this would be totally cool, especially since i've wanted the same thing (an opposite sex best friend). I kind of felt special inside too (haha, i sound gay there. fuck you jerry. stop laughing) since she had always wanted someone like me in her life.

Wow how i was wrong.

As of right now, this girl didnt mean a damn thing she said about how our friendship means the world to her. total bullshit. We barely even talk anymore. Actually, we dont talk at all. It is kind of sad i guess. I havent seen the girl for like 2 or 3 weeks, and i havent talked to her since then, either. You guys don't know how much i miss her. It's like something is empty inside of me. Any normal guy in my situation would say something like they are not happy anymore. Well y'know what? fuck that. Of course i wish i could still have her in my life, even if it were just as a friend. But fuck it, im not gonna let this incident make me un-happy for a long ass time. I was bummed out for a total of 10 minutes, then i realized that life goes on. I realized that i have a whole summer ahead of me. It's too bad though, because i really wish i could have spent it with her since we have like everything in common. I didnt mind painting the town her favorite color, and she didnt mind painting the town my favorite color. So yah, i'm not depressed or bummed out or anything right now. If you've seen me or hung out with me since then, then you'd know that i havent really changed.

However, i still think about her alot. In fact, i think about her just as much as i've ever thought about her. She's still constantly on my mind, and i still dream about her every night, since she is what i think about before i go to sleep. It sux because i dont want to just hold onto memories. I want to add more memories.... *i remember how would talk on the phone or talk online and never let each other go. It would take a long ass time just to say goodbye, because we didnt want to leave each other. *I remember how we purposely took the same classes last quarter, just so we could see each other all the time. *i remember all those days i visited her at work. *i remember all those times we would be sitting down at school, just hanging out..then all of a sudden, her boyfriend would come and get all jealous. *i remember all those times we went mini golfing. *i remember all those times we went to sams-club just to get some churros. *i remember the time we got stuck in traffic for 3 hours, and only moved 2 miles. *i remember how she couldnt see me on my birthday, so she called. she was the only one to call and wish me a happy birthday. *i remember how everyone would make fun of us because we would always be corny and act stupid around each other. *i remember the time she ditched her boyfriend to surprise me at my basketball game. *i remember how happy she made me. *so why cant i remember that she doesnt want me in her life right now?

I just so badly want her back in my life, because she was truly one of a kind. Nobody made me as happy as she did...

i hope u didnt shed a tear while reading this. pe@ce suckers.

PS. you guys have no lives for reading these two long ass journal entries. lol. keep checking up on this because i'll try to update every now and then. I'm gonna try to get a hold of this girl sometime before the weekend is over, so you might want to check back soon.

Tuesday, June 25, 2002
SN: Ko8e8ryant
AIM: RUFiO is good

ok dudes and dude-ettes. I know i havent written in this journal for quite some time. I just thought it was lame of me to write a whole of nada. Well, guess what? that's the reason why i'm gonna write here again, especially since there's been a whole bunch of nonsense in my mind lately, and i just need to talk about it here so that a certain somebody will hopefully one day read this. After all, all my journal entries are always about her anyways, just like how all of Jordan (from New Found Glory) song's are about a particular girl. If you know me, then you most likely know who the girl is anyways.**by the way, this is probably the longest journal entry i'll ever write in my life**

Well let me start you off with a little story about a girl. I won't say her name, since she may one day read this. Who cares anyways, huh? Most of you know who she is already, and if she does one day read this, she'll know that this is all about her. First off, this girl led me on big time. That's all i gotta say. I was led the "F" on and it sucks. We we're like soooo close with each other too, as friends. We hung out all the time, and we talked all the time just about anything, except about how we felt about each other. During this time, she had a boyfriend, who i always referred to "that one guy", and might i add is the biggest jackass in the world. Yeah, i can go on and on about how much of a lame jackass this guy was, and i shouldnt be saying he all this negative crap about him since i barely know him, right? HmmMm. i should give this guy a name since i dont want to call him "jackass" during this entire journal entry...hmmm whats a good jackass name? how about Max? sounds good to me!!! oh well, he's an underserving jerk anyways. By the way, when she was still with him, i told her that i liked her alot, even though she already knew that. She was afraid things would change because i liked her, but things didnt change at all. Our friendship was still cool. BUT ANYWAYS, back to the chic. Ok...so yeah, i already liked her even before she got with her bf, and she kinda had her eye on me too, so she says. So after 5 months, the relationship between her and her bf starts to get shaky, and she starts talking to me alot more...i mean ALOT more. This was when i really started to get all sprung on her, and i started to get real feelings for this girl. Also, i could sense she was starting to like me back as well. Sooooo finally, after 6 months, they FINALLY break up. Literally hours after she had broke up with him, she asked me out on a date. i was like "wuhooo". Everything was finally turning out how i had always wanted it to turn out. All my friends who saw me go through all this we're all getting happy too because they thought it was gonna turn out good. I mean, it seemed like it was so perfect. I get along good with all of her friends that i've met, which is important. Even more importantly, i get along really good with her younger sister and younger brother, who might i add are two really cool dudes! And she even got along with my family and friends too, especially jerry. Well, two days after she breaks up with "that one guy "aka her boyfriend, me and her go out and watch Spider-man, which is like my favorite movie in the world. We had planned to go like a week earlier, even though she was still officially with "that one guy". That day was the first day we held hands. DUDE! you don't know how good it felt to just hold her hand. Dudes trust me...if you like someone alot, and you know for a fact that that person likes you back, then holding their hand is like a great feeling, especially for the first time. Now i knew how it feels when two doves cry. haha inside joke...For a few days, we spent almost every minute with each other. It got to the point where we knew where each other was at all times and what each other was doing, or something of that nature. We ditched school just to go do stuff y'know, like go to the beach or something. We even got stuck in traffic for like 3 hours, and that was the best car ride i ever had. It was really, really cool to be stuck in traffic with her since we just talked the whole time. And then, some crap happened. After those few days of us practically being together, she sends me a fucking email to tell me how she felt. Yes, you read correctly. SHE TOLD ME HOW SHE FELT OVER A FUCKING EMAIL!!! I thought i deserved more than a FUCKING EMAIL. by the way, i saved that email, and i read it like everyday to remind me of some sad shit. So she tells me she doesnt like me back, which is bullshit 'cause it accidentally slipped out of her mouth, saying she liked me or something like that. You wanna know what i know really happened? Considering the fact she just broke up with her jackass boyfriend whom she didnt care about at all, she didnt want to move into something else too quickly, which is understandable. I was willing to give her space and time, since she is worth waiting for. To this day, i am still waiting for her..but more on that later. Anyways, this chic did not plan on falling for me. It just happened out of nowhere. She realized how much she wanted someone like me, but she just got scared and left it all behind......

...and thats where i'll leave you for today. Part 2 comes tommorow.

here's a little preview:
-the after-math of the EMAIL! what happened to their friendship, and how do they feel about each other now?

here's a song that goes PERFECTLY with my entire situation:

*Road To Recovery* by my favorite band, Rufio

"He never thought someone would come along
and show him a feeling he's always dreamed of
She didnt plan on falling in love
upset the balance she's wanted so long
Well he lost control, and gave up his heart
to follow the girl that he's always dreamed of
she pulled away so scared of a love
which might have been more than she had planned on

This road to recovery has taken all i have
seems had as i try, to succumb once again

what happens now when that persons gone?
the one who you thought you could alwys count on?
you fall in love, and they fall out
well love is a bitch and all relationships end

How can i let go of a love that meant so much to me?
How do i go on when you're part of me?
I'm dying inside, each time i see you
don't lose sight of me because youre all i see
and you're still all i see
this road to recovery has taken all i have